Written
by: Ryan Burns
In order to keep up with the ever-growing field of published music, Riff N' Ralk, Music Tock has expanded to the printed word to review music. Want Alex or Ryan to write a lengthy, well-thought-out essay about your favorite albums? Leave a comment below, or write on our Facebook wall and we will give it a fair shot!
In
the event of my sudden and uneventful demise, I would like this
review to be read aloud during my Pagan funeral atop Mt. Rushmore.
Considering the sheer magnitude of my opinion of Justin Bieber's
second acoustic work, Believe
Acoustic,
I have no doubt that I will be launched to international stardom and
near omnipotence. The two-score crowd of celebrities,
politicians and socialites present would very well benefit to hear it
one last time. Just before the only copy of this review will be
launched into the sun with my lifeless, yet fully aware body, every
newborn child and woodland creature will gain a small part of the power I
had harnessed. A new age of peace and understanding will grace the
land, and it is all thanks to Justin Bieber's album, Believe
Acoustic.
No
responsible adult that I know actively listens to Justin Bieber.
Which is why it is so hard to say the following; I was entertained by
this album. The following were some of my initial thoughts:
Everything
I know is fucking wrong. Justin Bieber can sing?! Not only that, but
he also sounds like a grown man. When did that happen?! Drugs, sex,
magic? All of these, or some combination thereof? What does that make
me, a god? Will monks commemorate my humbleness and sheer virtue by
making exquisite tapestries of myself and Rowdy Roddy Piper creating
the Universe with a single kiss, then burn them on the steps of
Congress? Obviously they will, but what does it all mean? My entire
life is in disarray!
All
joking aside, I approached this album with a blank slate. The only
bits of Bieber I had heard in the past were unpleasant to say the
least. I have only vague recollections of overly produced garbage
melodies and a voice that reminds me of my friend Steve's Aunt
Tammy. During my first listen, I noticed that all I could hear
were the guitar and vocal tracks with hints of piano. I was
anticipating some sort of bass drop or generic beat that might as
well be the signature of contemporary pop music, luckily they never
reared their ugly heads. I was totally amazed that the majority of
the album was, in fact, acoustic. Save for the new song, “I
Would,” which is as shitty as pop music can get.
Apparently,
Believe
Acoustic has source material from another album Justin Bieber
recently released, Believe;
thus ending the global controversy surrounding the issue. Some tracks
really stand out from their poppy counterparts. There were two tracks
that stood out among the rest,
“As Long as
You Love Me,” and “She
Don't Like The Lights”. Sure, they are about falling in love or
whatever, but what song isn't? Personally, I think that if Jbiebs
wrote a song or two about fighting someone or going into outer space,
or if he wrote songs in general, he would get more respect. He could
easily leave the silly notion of pop music behind and venture into
the world of legitimate art. Instead, he will continue to make
millions of dollars, be the most famous Canadian on Earth, and get
tons of girls' phone numbers and I can't blame him.
Imagine
a world where Justin Bieber went on tour with The Red Hot Chili
Peppers and Talib Kweli. Where they would stop off at little known
cafes and play an unannounced set for a lucky few. You happen to be
in one of those cafes, and you get invited on stage by Flea to sing
to of your favorite B-sides while Justin tells everyone he just
bought a new melodica
and has been dying to try it out. The crowd goes crazy, and Justin's
girlfriend leaves him for you. He's alright with it though, he's a
cool guy like that. You two become best friends and make twelve
different concept albums, one for each month of the year and win
thirteen Grammy's. After many years, on his death bed, Justin tells
you that he was glad that he chose to pursue a music career in
Jazz-Rock instead of turning to insubstantial Pop. That he would have
regretted it for his entire life, despite the fame and money. And
just before he slips into the unknown, he tells you his most dearly
kept secret. A bit of knowledge that will change the way humanity
sees itself. He saves billions of lives and is celebrated daily by
all peoples for centuries to come.
If
only...
Final
Say:
Listen to it once, never tell a soul.
