By: Ryan Burns
A few months ago, my father gave me
a handful of records. Among them were various Indian chant albums, a reading of
Khalil Ghibran’s “The Prophet”, and the weirdest looking album I have ever
seen. The cover had a giant orange-red eye on fire spewing pink tentacles out
of it in outer space. It of course was, “Wilburn Burchette Opens the Seven
Gates of Transcendental Consciousness”.
instead
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| Art by artist Caren Calaway. It's art. |
I flipped the album over and began
reading the liner notes and was instead greeted by three separate essays on how
brilliant the album was. The first essay
has no author and simply states that "Now YOU can experience transcendental consciousness
without spending 10 years in a Tibetan monastery.” Finally! I can now undress
my previous concerns of not being privy to the thoughts and secrets of Asian
monks and greet each day as if the sky were filled with a massive flaming
eye-monster. The second essay was written by Brad Steiger, “Leading Non-Fiction
Author”. Wow, I can’t believe Burchette scored such a highly regarded author of
such books as Cat
Miracles and Overlords
of Atlantis and the Great Pyramid to write a piece of the liner notes. The last essay describes how Burchette
built his own equipment and guitar, of which is pictured and ludicrously
unimpressive looking.
The final piece on the back cover is
a sweet note reminding listeners that there is a “Full Color Instruction Book
Inside”. I almost pooped myself in excitement. I couldn’t believe that there is
more read along material for what seems to be the most-hyped-up-album-no-one-has-ever-listened-to
that has ever existed. Unfortunately, the booklet to my eternal peace has been
lost to the wind and I can’t find it online anywhere.
Now here I am in my basement,
getting ready to listen to this record for the first time. Deep down I know
this album isn’t going to be half as good as it should be. It might just be
some guy playing on a shitty guitar with lots of effects and delay, etc. But I’m
hopeful…
[SIDE ONE]
The first Gate Wilburn takes us to is
called, “Dawn of Awakening”. The song starts with a detuned guitar with LOTS of
delay. Sounds like a slowed down surf rock song. (Side note: I am sick at the
moment and have taken quite a bit of cough medicine. Not just the regular kind,
the drowsy kind, and this album is making me very, very sleepy.) I am now
approaching the second Gate, “Regeneration”. Burchette’s guitar has too many
effects going at once. Not to mention it sounds incredibly detuned. I wonder
how many Tibetan monks listen to this song.
Gate number three, “Transformation”
could easily be incorporated into any scene from any Quentin Tarantino movie. Very
gritty, with Western hints, like an untalented Ennio Morricone. This song
bumbles its way to a close rather than an opening of anything Transcendental or
Conscious. Gate number four, however, is something from a nightmare or 1960’s
era low budget horror/sci-fi film. Starting with an ear piercing high pitched
blare that only increases in magnitude. “Piercing the Psychic Heart”
is the first time in the album that has elicited any sort of emotion of
connection to the subject matter. That if you believe in your eternal spirit,
your true mindset will break through any Gate that you encounter. Releasing
yourself is only the beginning to becoming one with all there is. Yes! It makes
so much sense! If only Burchette had tuned his guitar before recording, there
would only be four Gates!
[Side Two]
The fifth Gate, “Invoke the Name of
God,” begins with what sounds like a single monk chanting. I have learned that
chant and sing it to the eternal once a night. This song brings back many
themes from earlier songs, does not make them better. It reminds me of what I
once was and encourages me to break beyond the furthermore, so I skipped to the
next song.
Gate six, “Introvers” also begins
with a spacey sound. This must be what the creepy Fire-space-monster sounds like.
The tempo speeds up as if the Space Tentacles are reaching out to welcome my
young, supple soul to the Always of Awakening. I can feel myself pulling away
because that’s not my kind of thing. And like clockwork the tempo yet again
speeds up and the guitar loses it tuning further. At this point I had wished I
was reviewing the Miley Cyrus album instead. The cough medicine I took is in full swing
and my eyes are now completely in the back of my skull. I am one with the
Universe.
I have now lost all and gained Everything.
As the sixth Gate swings ajar behind me, I am pulled to the enormous steps of
the seventh and final Gate. “Realization” is printed on it in an alien
language, but I understand what it says. Atom by atom I drift away into
space, my soul becomes more fluid than ever. I can feel my old self getting
naked and dancing my final dance as the Over-Soul grants me entrance into the
seventh Gate. The awful song has a cadence of Joy, a feeling I now embody as I
lose all form.
The final song ends and I find
myself back in my basement, still sick. I am grateful that the entire
experience is over. What a silly album, it almost had me going. Do yourselves a
favor, and listen to it once while doped up on your choice of enhancement.
Final Say: Listen to it, but don’t fall into its preachy trap like I
did.
P.S. After listening to the album the first time. A thought
dawned on me, and I relistened to the record at 45rpms and it was so much
better. It was like a chipmunk playing a ukulele.
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