Ryan reviews Justin Bieber's "Believe Acoustic"

Written by: Ryan Burns

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In the event of my sudden and uneventful demise, I would like this review to be read aloud during my Pagan funeral atop Mt. Rushmore. Considering the sheer magnitude of my opinion of Justin Bieber's second acoustic work, Believe Acoustic, I have no doubt that I will be launched to international stardom and near omnipotence. The two-score crowd of celebrities, politicians and socialites present would very well benefit to hear it one last time. Just before the only copy of this review will be launched into the sun with my lifeless, yet fully aware body, every newborn child and woodland creature will gain a small part of the power I had harnessed. A new age of peace and understanding will grace the land, and it is all thanks to Justin Bieber's album, Believe Acoustic.

No responsible adult that I know actively listens to Justin Bieber. Which is why it is so hard to say the following; I was entertained by this album. The following were some of my initial thoughts:

Everything I know is fucking wrong. Justin Bieber can sing?! Not only that, but he also sounds like a grown man. When did that happen?! Drugs, sex, magic? All of these, or some combination thereof? What does that make me, a god? Will monks commemorate my humbleness and sheer virtue by making exquisite tapestries of myself and Rowdy Roddy Piper creating the Universe with a single kiss, then burn them on the steps of Congress? Obviously they will, but what does it all mean? My entire life is in disarray!

All joking aside, I approached this album with a blank slate. The only bits of Bieber I had heard in the past were unpleasant to say the least. I have only vague recollections of overly produced garbage melodies and a voice that reminds me of my friend Steve's Aunt Tammy. During my first listen, I noticed that all I could hear were the guitar and vocal tracks with hints of piano. I was anticipating some sort of bass drop or generic beat that might as well be the signature of contemporary pop music, luckily they never reared their ugly heads. I was totally amazed that the majority of the album was, in fact, acoustic. Save for the new song, “I Would,” which is as shitty as pop music can get.

Apparently, Believe Acoustic has source material from another album Justin Bieber recently released, Believe; thus ending the global controversy surrounding the issue. Some tracks really stand out from their poppy counterparts. There were two tracks that stood out among the rest, “As Long as You Love Me,” and “She Don't Like The Lights”. Sure, they are about falling in love or whatever, but what song isn't? Personally, I think that if Jbiebs wrote a song or two about fighting someone or going into outer space, or if he wrote songs in general, he would get more respect. He could easily leave the silly notion of pop music behind and venture into the world of legitimate art. Instead, he will continue to make millions of dollars, be the most famous Canadian on Earth, and get tons of girls' phone numbers and I can't blame him.

Imagine a world where Justin Bieber went on tour with The Red Hot Chili Peppers and Talib Kweli. Where they would stop off at little known cafes and play an unannounced set for a lucky few. You happen to be in one of those cafes, and you get invited on stage by Flea to sing to of your favorite B-sides while Justin tells everyone he just bought a new melodica and has been dying to try it out. The crowd goes crazy, and Justin's girlfriend leaves him for you. He's alright with it though, he's a cool guy like that. You two become best friends and make twelve different concept albums, one for each month of the year and win thirteen Grammy's. After many years, on his death bed, Justin tells you that he was glad that he chose to pursue a music career in Jazz-Rock instead of turning to insubstantial Pop. That he would have regretted it for his entire life, despite the fame and money. And just before he slips into the unknown, he tells you his most dearly kept secret. A bit of knowledge that will change the way humanity sees itself. He saves billions of lives and is celebrated daily by all peoples for centuries to come.

If only...

Final Say: Listen to it once, never tell a soul.